Mental Health and Me
As many probably know, this week is Mental Health Awareness Week, a subject that is very close to my heart. 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime and I fall into this category having struggled with my own mental health over the past few years.
Originally when I set up my business I thought that my blog and social media accounts should be strictly professional; however my mental health has shaped me into who I am today and is a large reason behind why I set this business up last year. Whilst mental health is becoming more understood and widely acknowledged, there is still a great level of stigma and it is often considered a ‘taboo’ subject that people avoid talking about. I have only begun speaking about my own mental health struggles over the last few years and have never really mentioned it on social media before; so whilst I don’t plan on sharing much about my personal life, this is such an important topic that I want to open up a little and share my own experience. I have always been conscious of not allowing my anxiety to define who I am, however there are lots of young people in my family and I want to show them that it is okay to talk about mental health. Life can be hard and confusing which can take its’ toll and they shouldn’t feel afraid to ask for help should they need it.
When I look back to my childhood I now think that I have always struggled to some extent with my mental health, I just didn’t realise what it was back then. I have always been labelled as ‘quiet’ and ‘shy’ and whilst that is still part of my personality, as anyone who has known or worked with me will vouch for, I now understand that those terms were really obscuring the fact that I was actually dealing with anxiety. Over the last 5 or 6 years I have come to realise that I struggle with both general and social anxiety on a daily basis and these are the main mental health conditions I have. At times, when my anxiety has been particularly bad and has mixed with high levels of stress, then I have experienced depression too.
To begin with, I want to clarify what anxiety is:
What is ANXIETY?
‘Anxiety is an emotion characterised by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes. People with anxiety usually have recurring intrusive thoughts and may avoid certain situations out of worry.’
- apa.org
Everyone gets anxious, it is a natural human response to situations that we are unsure of. It is the fight or flight response that all animals experience. Most people will get anxious at some point in their life, most commonly before going in for an interview or prior to taking an exam or giving a speech; however people with an anxiety disorder experience a constant level of anxiety around carrying out everyday tasks such as answering a phone call, going to the shops or writing an email. For people living with anxiety it is as if the flight mode is permanently switched on!
I think I first started to notice something was up during my secondary school years. I was full of dread whenever I had a lesson where I might have to read aloud, give a presentation or be asked questions. My stomach would churn and I would spend the whole lesson on edge and therefore not take in as much as I probably should have! As I went into A-level years I definitely felt an increase in these thoughts and feelings but I thought that was a normal part of growing up. Like most students I had a ridiculous work load, was applying for university places and trying to make decisions about what I wanted to do with my life. Let’s face it, that’s enough to fill any teenager with trepidation! It was during my final year of A-level that I started to consider that perhaps what I was experiencing was more than just typical life related anxiety and that something bigger could be at play. At the time I didn’t really know much about mental health and it was only when I saw a post on social media and related to it so much, that I was prompted to do some research. Gradually I read through websites such as mind.org.uk and various forums and began comparing what I was experiencing with that of others. As I gained a better understanding of the different mental health conditions that exist I realised that I was probably dealing with anxiety.
Naively I thought that when I went to university and had a ‘fresh start’ it would all just magically go away! Of course that wasn’t the case and I just buried it away until it came back with even more force. During the final year of my degree I was struggling to concentrate, had no energy and insomnia was keeping me awake most nights. I tried taking an online cognitive behavioural therapy course but I was so tired and confused that none of it really made sense,and I failed to implement any of it into my daily life. I refused to acknowledge it properly and just kept telling myself that it would get better once I had graduated. How I managed to finish that final year I do not know, but somehow I did!
Applying for various conservation job positions and taking on a part-time job in a convenience store took up my time in the two years after graduating and it was a constant roller-coaster of ups and downs. I had times where I thought there was nothing wrong at all, but then I would have these moments where I just didn’t know what to do anymore. I went to see a counsellor who did help me in the lead up to my first ever solo trip abroad to Greece in 2019, but when I came back expecting to be a changed person I actually ended up feeling worse as all that built-up anxiety was released and I gradually spiralled downwards. The hardest part about mental health is that your mind can easily play tricks on you. It can deceive you into believing things that are not true. For example, even though my heart would be urging me to get help, my mind would be telling me not to because I was just ‘making something out of nothing’. It would constantly remind me that there are people out there with much worse situations and made me believe I was weak for not being able to cope. The voice in my head told me I did not deserve help because I was not trying hard enough to help myself, the only problem was that I was using so much time and energy fighting this constant battle in my head, that I had none left to do the things that might have actually helped me such as exercising or cooking healthy meals.
An overview of some of the main symptoms of my anxiety and the actions I may take as a result of feeling anxious. Everyone who experiences anxiety will have different symptoms at varying severities and not all of them are visible.
It was about 18 months ago in winter 2019/2020 that I was at my lowest point. I had never understood the term ‘rock bottom’ until that moment and all I know is that I hope I don’t have to go there ever again. I couldn’t make simple decisions about what to wear or what to eat. I would get up, go to work and then come home and sit on my bed doing absolutely nothing because I was so exhausted that I couldn’t comprehend doing anything else. I was having intrusive thoughts and my mind felt so foggy that I couldn’t really think clearly. Leaving the house became extremely difficult and I felt as if I was just floating through life but not actually living it. I realised that I was no longer in control of my mind but it was in control of me and it really scared me.
The one thing that has always managed to ground me and make me appreciative is nature. I am one of those people who gets excited when the ocean is completely calm and still, or when the fresh leaves start appearing on the trees in spring or the sky is in pretty colours. It was when I felt nothing when looking at or standing in nature that I realised just how ill I was. I could no longer see the beauty in nature; so as we entered 2020 I called my doctors and they prescribed me with anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication. It obviously didn’t cure me overnight but it gradually helped clear my mind enough so that I could begin learning ways to cope with my mental health, and start to take positive steps towards getting myself better.
When the pandemic sent us all into lockdown I started to feel slightly worse again. The job interviews and summer placement I had lined up were cancelled and it felt like what I had worked hard to achieve in the weeks since starting to take the medication had gone to waste. Eventually though I settled into this new lifestyle and I realised that I could waste my time worrying or I could use it to try something new. This art business idea has festered in the back of my mind since I left school, but I was always so worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it work and that it wasn’t a ‘proper’ career. Suddenly it was the perfect time to give it a go because I had nothing to lose. Rediscovering my creative side was the best thing that could have happened to me. I thought I had lost it once and for all, but now I realise that I was just too occupied with the busyness of my mind to give creativity any time or attention. Of course I still have bad days every now and then and I still have a lot of work to do. My mind is prone to overthinking and can easily jump to the extreme negatives if I am not paying attention. I have to be listening to music or a podcast or watching a tv show in order to shut my mind up whilst being creative, but when I am focusing on a drawing I am at my happiest and most content.
Everyone has different triggers and coping mechanisms and I am still learning some of mine, but in general I am much better equipped to deal with it now. I have shown myself some self-compassion and have begun acknowledging that I cannot just get rid of this condition but instead have to learn to live with it. I am now able to manage the bad days easier and am learning to look out for the warning signs that my body will give me to tell me that I need to take some time to rest and recuperate. I still take medication every day and don’t know how long I will take it for, but one thing I do know is that I am not ashamed. Without taking that little tablet every morning I wouldn’t be able to put the other work in place to help me when anxiety does strike. Whilst I hope that I never have to visit that dark place again, if I do, at least I know that I am able to overcome it and achieve things I never thought were possible.
These are just a few of the things I do to help manage my anxiety. I am quite independent so am happy spending time alone to recharge. Additionally my social anxiety means that I often need my own space without other people around to refocus. For others though, spending time with family and friends may be more beneficial than being alone.
The theme surrounding mental health awareness week this year is nature. Spending time in nature is something that really helps calm me. It doesn’t have to be going for a walk or sitting in a garden either. Just opening a window and listening for the sounds of birds or noticing the colours and shapes of plants can help distract the mind. Really taking note of the different sights and scents that are presented by nature can also help soothe the soul. I think a large proportion of us noticed the benefits of spending time in nature during lockdowns, and for me it is a huge inspiration for my artwork. Creating wildlife and nature-related pieces helps me to connect on a deeper level with the world around me and gets me thinking about what else is out there to discover. Now that life is slowly starting to open up again, I hope that we can carry that appreciation for nature forward rather than taking our natural environment for granted and abusing it.
Finally, I am extremely fortunate and grateful to have an amazing support network. My family and friends are incredibly understanding and helpful, however I still struggled to open up. It isn’t necessarily that someone doesn’t want to get help, sometimes it’s that those intrusive thoughts tell them they are not worthy of help. It makes them believe that they are a burden to others because everyone else already has their own worries and commitments to deal with. I know that there are many people out there who don’t have an understanding support network to turn to and I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for people who want to speak out but are afraid to do so for fear of being judged or shunned. That’s why the websites and phone numbers that I have put below are so vital. People are able to call up and chat to someone who will listen without judgement and offer help and support. Even if you aren’t struggling yourself but know someone who might be, these people can give advice and guidance on what you can do to help. Whilst I think the pandemic has made the population in general more aware of the importance of mental health, there is still a long way to go if we are to create a community where people feel safe and comfortable having open conversations about their thoughts and feelings. I think in today’s world of social media we can easily fall into the trap of believing everyone else is dealing with life much better than us, when in fact we are all just trying to navigate our way through. Therefore many people internalise their struggles and whilst for some that may work, for others it can be very damaging.
If you have got this far then I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read this. If anyone reading this also struggles with anxiety then I hope it gives you a bit of comfort to know you’re not the only one having to fight the damn thing day in and day out! Otherwise I hope it has given you a small insight into who I am as a person behind the art. I am still figuring out how to manage a small business but I am loving every second of it, especially the part where I get to shut the world out for a few hours and just draw! The person writing this blog and the posts on my social media pages is the real version of me. This is how I speak when in the safe confinement of my home or with someone I am truly comfortable with; and I plan on continuing to work on creating a version of myself that is more like this everyday.
References and important sources of information
https://www.apa.org/
https://www.mind.org.uk/ Call 0300 123 3393
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/
https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/
https://youngminds.org.uk/ Call 0808 802 5544
https://www.turning-point.co.uk
https://www.samaritans.org Call 116 123 - Samaritans offer 24 hour support lines
Women’s Aid: 0808 2000 247
AgeUK: 0800 678 1602
CALM: 0800 58 58 58
Childline: 0800 1111
Shout: text 85258